The World According to "Aaarrgh!"

My sister has been concerned that I have been very quiet of late, so she called to make sure I was okay.  Given the amount of melodrama in my life, I guess I am as okay as anyone could be.  The source of all of my issues continues to be my ex-wife.  I gave her the most generous divorce I could so she wouldn’t drag it out and I could get her out of my life as quickly as possible.  Looking back, I made a mistake – I should have went for the jugular.  Instead of appreciating my generosity, she just keeps coming back for more and more and more; she is never satisfied.  You see, to her it is about winning at all cost, regardless of who you destroy, and her persistence is quickly destroying my children, and I am pretty much powerless to stop it.  All I can do is try to mitigate the damage as much as possible.  She is unemployed, pretty much unhireable, and refuses to concede that she lost me to another woman.  She is like the clap, that just when I think all is clear she comes back in all her obnoxiousness.

Over the MLK weekend, I was planning on getting out of Dodge to visit my family in St. Louis, but, as always, she refused to help.  All I had asked of her was to take the children for the weekend, and she couldn’t, as she wouldn’t tell her married boyfriend to go home.  Once again, she chose him over her children.  So, I was not exactly in a giving and generous kind of mood.  After all, you will be treated by others as you treat them, even though she thinks that that doesn’t apply to her, and that she can treat people like crap but they are supposed to fawn all over her.  So, let’s just say on January 23, the following Saturday, I wasn’t in a very generous mood, and was certainly not in the mood for her demands.

EX-WIFE:  1/23/10 – 12:18 PM – I ll pick up the kids at 10 Sun

 ME:  Shane is coming.  Make it 11

(Let me explain the situation.  My ex had told our daughter that her boyfriend, the one who I didn’t, don’t, and never will approve of, was welcome any time.)

1/23/10 – 12:20 PM – Shane is not coming

 Yes, he is.  If we have to put up with him, so do you.

 1/23/10 – 12:24 PM – I want to c MY KIDS not him.  If u put up with him that’s ur prerogative

No!  You interfered and told her she could date him.  Live with it.  She won’t go without him.

 (I had received a call about an incident involving this boy and my daughter’s bra from the school, so I had flatly told her she couldn’t date him.  She appealed to my ex, and I was overruled.)

1/23/10 – 12:31 PM – Then she doesn’t go.  Shes makn her choice. i ll pick up the boys n gen who WANT to b with their mom

 (Yes, my ex is 42 and texts like a middle-schooler.  It is obnoxious.)

They go, so you can enjoy the monster you created by usurping my authority.

 1/23/10 – 12:35 PM – U have no authority over ME

1/23/10 – 12:36 PM – I ll pick up the kids at 10 Sun

(I was really annoyed now.  The gall to just swoop in and DEMAND things!) 

Wrong!  Once, again, you failed to provide 24 hours notice.  You  aren’t in any position to demand anything.  It’s 11 and you take Shanizabeth, or nothing.

(My daughter and her boyfriend hang on each other so much they are like one entity…..) 

1/23/10 – 12:45 PM – Wrong.  i ll get the boys n get gen at 10.  if u want to discuss this furthr, meet me in person

1/23/10 – 12:49 PM – U r violating my visitation rights AGAIN

Nothing it is.  You show up, I will have you arrested.

1/23/10 – 12:51 PM – U cant arrest me 4 Nothing.  if u want to b an ass, fine but u will have to meet me 1/2 Way then

 What part of 24 hour notice don’t you get?

 (All of it, apparently….)

I will have Shanizabeth ready at 10.  Be here on time.  No excuses.

(The woman is notoriously late, and somehow manages to always come up with a new lame-ass excuse for her tardiness…..it’s never her fault!) 

1/23/10 – 12:55 PM – U have 7 Days notice n im just reminding u on sat n u know it

(Sorry, but that’s the dumbest justification that I’ve heard for not notifying me 24 hours before….do I have “MORON” written across my forehead?  Don’t answer that…..)

 It’s 24 hours notice, that’s all.  Ask her about her Chemistry grade.  She could use tutoring.

 1/23/10 – 1:00 PM – Shane is NOTmy child.  i have no obligations to him

 Well your the one who insisted she should be allowed to date.

 (And, she had told him he was always welcome at her place, and he could come back…)

1/23/10 – 1:03 PM – Making excuses is your game not mine

(And what had she been doing?)

How am I making excuses?  You are the one who threatened to take her away because I wouldn’t let her date.  You shouldn’t have interfered.

 (My December was crap because my ex threatened to take my daughter away unless I let her date this boy, gave her texting privileges, let her drop and change classes, and pretty much let her come-and-go and do whatever the hell she pleased….)

1/23/10 – 1:04 PM – Dating and joined at the hip r not the same

 (In my daughter’s mind, they are, and that’s the problem….)

You created the monster by buying into her pity party

 (Accept some responsibility, will ya?)

She played you like a fiddle.  I am playing Tri-ominoes.  Can’t talk now.  BYE!

 (My wife was getting annoyed that I was ignoring her and our Tri-ominoes game to get into this petty text war with my ex.  After all, my wife IS my wife, and she deserves the first attention.)

1/23/10 – 1:10 PM – As usual.. U have convoluted the facts n shes learnd ur lessons in manipulation n turnd em back on u.  how u like it?

1/23/10 – 1:15 PM – If u care to discuss FACTUAL info then u should meet me.  come alone, not in front of the kids.

 (Even though I said BYE, the woman had to get the last words in….she had to win, dammit!)

(I was waiting at the hair shoppe, and out of boredom and stupidity I decided to push things about money,  Specifically, why she wasn’t living up to her financial obligations where the children were concerned.)

FYI-the city is laying off 10 of the 57 in Traffic Feb. 1

 (That is my division, and we were hit pretty hard, although it ended up being six in the end….)

1/23/10 – 3:07 PM – Whats that go to do with me?

That and the paycuts the survivors will have to take will change the percentages, i.e. mine will drop a lot, yours will go up

 (i.e. you need to start paying up!)

1/23/10 – 3:15 PM – That is only ur point of view as usual based on assumptions which r slanted and wrong

(Huh?)

 Those percentages were based on me making 63k a year.  I make less than that now.  Check it out on the Tulsa World website if you don’t believe me

1/23/10 – 3:32 PM – Im also making less so its a wash

(As I would find out a couple weeks later, she was making a lot less, being unemployed and all….)

Then, silence, then an out-of-the blue text.

1/23/10 – 4:37 PM – Hope u have a good nite dear

What does it mean? 

1/23/10 – 5:06 PM – Sorry the last msg was sent to u in error

And here I thought you cared!

I know this sounds bad, but I didn’t, and still don’t, believe her.  When I have sent a text message to the wrong person, I knew that I sent the wrong message to the wrong person and IMMEDIATELY sent a follow-up acknowledging that.  You see, I have sent the wrong message to the wrong person.

My wife’s ex did the same thing.  Thought he sent a message about my wife to his wife, but sent it to my wife in error.  And immediately realized he screwed up and sent a follow-up saying that he was only joking.  Seems like one must be rather clueless to not realize that they had sent a message to the wrong person for almost 30 minutes.  One thing I will say about my ex is that she is the most calculating and scheming person I have ever met, and she doesn’t do anything by accident, and if she does, she catches it immediately.  But, given her history of out-of-out fabrications and lies, trying to lie to cover her tracks is part of her normal M.O.

Except for a brief respite when she came clean and fessed up that she has been unemployed since December, the hostilities and lies continue to today, and quite frankly, I have grown very weary of the melodrama and just wish it would end.  Unfortunately, given who I am dealing with, I know it won’t until I put as much distance between us as I possibly can.

Speaking of her lack of employment, she told me she was set up and they were gunning for her.  I have checked with my inside source, and she is right – she was set up.  Of course, I had warned her that she was being set up over a year ago when I worked there on the the weekends during the Christmas season.  Of course, she blew me off because in her mind she is the greatest employee and irreplaceable; the reality is she is an argumentative pain-in-the-ass who always has to prove that she is right and smarter than everyone else and will destroy herself and others to win.  She tried to set someone else up, and it backfired and they used that to show her to the door.  This is now the third consecutive job she has been “asked to leave”; in fact almost every job she has had in the two decades I have known her she has been “asked to leave”.  Yet, she refuses to look in the mirror and acknowledge that she is the reason, that she is a condescending you-know-what who drives everyone away over time.

When she told me she got canned I almost felt sorry for her, and felt bad for the nasty text wars like the one on January 23; I don’t like to kick a person when they are down.  The era of good feelings lasted less than a week, as she is now back to her snotty self, interfering (she has nothing better to do) and suddenly wanting to be a mother.  Uh huh.  She lost that right when she walked out on her kids because they were interfering with her plans.

She tried to snatch the youngest one, and when I wouldn’t let her, she decided to engage in yet another tiresome text war, which I will share on a subsequent post.

When I found out about the bleak budget forecast for the city, and the real possibility of  either – a) a layoff or,  b) a pay cut - neither of which I can afford, the wife and I mutually agreed that the best course of action is to find a higher paying job.  Since the Oklahoma economy is in the toilet and is still losing jobs (Tulsa lost another 250 yesterday when a glass plant downsized), I have been looking out-of-state.  In the 13 days I have been actively searching, I have applied to 26 jobs across the country, with the target location being St. Louis.  The state-by-state breakdown is as follows:  Missouri, 5; Illinois, 4; Idaho, 4; Texas, 3; Wisconsin, 3; Iowa, 2; Colorado, 1; Connecticut, 1; Kansas, 1; Virginia, 1; West Virginia, 1.  So far, I have received one response, a rejection.

All of the city employees were invited to attend a meeting with the Mayor to discuss the City’s continuing budget shortfall and how the Mayor plans to close the gap.  For non-unionized employees like me, we have to take a 5.2% pay cut.  In addition to the 3.1% pay cut we took last July, that is now a 8.3% cut in pay since this time last year.  Ouch!

After the Mayor finished giving the bad news, he opened it up to questions and comments from the floor.  I was very disappointed at the amount of envy I heard.  Two groups were specifically targeted – the police department, and those who earn over $50000 a year.

Several years ago, when the City had its last budget crisis, the police union got a raise while the non-unionized employees took about a 10 percent pay cut.  Six years later, the non-unionized employees still haven’t forgiven the police union, and strongly expressed their very negative opinion of the police department and their incessant whining.  Heightening the emotions is the fact that the police union publicly denounced the Mayor as a “crook” and an “extortionist” for giving them the choice of 135 layoffs or pay cuts and fewer layoffs.  In other words, he refuses to maintain the status quo, and wants the police to share in the budgetary pains.

I could understand the vitriol aimed at the police department.  I was blown away at the vitriol aimed at those of us who earn more than $50000.  There were several speakers who demanded that those of us who earn more than $50000 a year take a bigger pay cut than those who earn less than $50000, because it is obvious that those of us who earn more than $50000 live extravagant lifestyles and can afford to lose more income.  This class envy crap really pisses me off.  Until this latest pay cut, I earned $61000 a year, which seems like a lot of money.  To most people, it is.  Except that I am supporting 11 people on that $61000!  If I were single and earned $20000 a year I would have more disposable income than I do making $61000.  It pisses me off that just because I earn $61000 a year people assume that I have money to burn.  I blame the Democrats for this class envy crap, as they have convinced lower income people that those of us who earn more are greedy S.O.B.s who want to hoard money and keep them down.  I challenge any of those who think I should be penalized more because I earn more than $50000 a year to support 11 people on $61000.  Go ahead, I dare you!  And since I am so damned rich, I don’t qualify for government assistance for anything, so I pay full price for health care, college tuition for my daughter, and school lunches.  Crap, just the school lunches are $64 a week!

No, I am not cheap when I don’t contribute $5 and $5 there for this, that, and the other.  I am on a tight budget.  I think I am doing a pretty bang-up job providing for my family on one income, so that my children can have a mother at home and don’t have to fend for themselves.  Like my father, I have chosen to provide a loving, stable home for my children, a home in which they have a mother who is there to tend to there needs throughout the day.  To do that, requires a decent salary.  Don’t begrudge me that!

I have figured out that after this latest pay cut, I will be making less money than I did ten years ago.  Yes, we did get change on Election Day in 2008, only it wasn’t change for the better.  I just hope I can hang on until 2012!

I am angry.  What am I angry about?  A lot of things right now.

I am angry that the Democrats are trying to cram health-care reform down our throats despite the fact that most Americans don’t want it.  After all, us commoners are too stupid to know what we really want.

I am angry that some of our soon-to-be retirees are upset that they won’t get paid for their six months of unused vacation in one lump sum but rather in installments.  Did I mention that they are also angry that the employees in benefits who were working with them have been laid off?  So, while coworkers are laid off and have no money, they are complaining that they will only get part of their unused vacation time paid for at the time of retirement, and will have to wait for the rest.  It’s amazing how its “one for all and all for one” until its time to actually put that into practice, then it becomes “Screw you, buddy!  I’m getting mine and I don’t give a rat’s ass if you get yours!”

I am angry at a local trucking company, whose owner sucked the life out of his father’s company and then crapped upon his employees while driving his Bentley and lavishing on his trophy wife and living a life a luxury.  Screw the truckers who have been stranded throughout the U.S.; it’s supposed to snow in Oklahoma today, and Bentley’s don’t drive well in the snow.  Don’t expect the boss-man to come to the rescue!

I am angry at my ex-wife for cheating on me not once, but twice, and never feeling a bit of remorse about it.  I am angry at my ex in-laws for not once taking my side knowing full well that their daughter had cheated on me.  I am angry at everyone else who knew about it and who never gave her the what-for’s for what she did and the incredible amount of pain she caused me.  I am angry at myself for not throwing her cheating ass out the door when my in-laws confirm at at their kitchen table many years ago.  I am angry at myself for being angry at myself for not throwing her out in 2002, as I wouldn’t have my two youngest sons if I would have.

I am angry at my daughter for putting me through the emotional roller coaster that she does.  I am angry that she is a typical teenager and doesn’t put much thought into others.  I am angry that she is hurting and that there isn’t a damned thing I can do to help her pain.  I am angry when she exhibits personality traits like her mother.  I am angry when I think she is blowing me off.

I am angry at all my children for being so damned jealous and only thinking of themselves.  Yes, I know that this is what children do, but I am still angry about it.  I am angry when I hear them bitch and complain and whine and moan about how tough they have it when they have a parent who has a steady and good paying job to keep food in their tummies, a roof over their head, and medicine when they are sick and another parent who stays at home, does their laundry, cooks, cleans, and takes care of their needs.

I am angry at my wife.  She is a good woman, and today is our two-month anniversary, but nonetheless, I am angry with her.  I am angry because she refuses to let me feel sorry for myself.  I am angry because she refuses to let me give up on myself or others.  I am angry because she can’t make my pain go away.  I am angry at myself for being angry at her, because she loves me and if she could make the pain go away, she would, but she can’t.  I am just angry.

I am angry at my situation.  I am angry that I held a secret for 17 years that forever changed my life and who I am.  I am angry that I can’t let my daughter spend the night at her friend’s house tonight because her mother will be by to pick her up at some unknown time tomorrow, and that if she is not ready at that unknown time, I will be yelled at.  I don’t like to be yelled at by my ex; she frightens me. 

I am angry that I bought eight presents for my wife and four for each of my kids, as I am assuming that my kids’ other parent will buy them presents, although I doubt it.  Then, because the kids got the shaft, they will be angry and take it out on the Missus and I.

 I am angry that I have to deal with my ex for another 17 years.  I am angry that I will not have control of my life, I will not have any control over holidays or Sundays or other aspects of my life because I will always be the one who has to yield to keep the peace.  It sucks, and it makes me angry.

I am angry that I am angry.  I have discovered that I am not the emotional Superman I thought I was, that I am a messed up ball of emotions, that I am weak, and it makes me angry.

I am angry that I have to wait until January 5 for my next session so that I can deal with all of this anger.  I don’t like being angry…..

Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  I spent much of the day weeping.  The smallest thing would set me off.  One of the boys found a gift box with my daughter’s name on it, and I had to run outside so the the children wouldn’t see me sob uncontrollably.  It was hell.

I went for a walk with the Missus and talked about my feelings and about my sadness.  I asked if she could talk to Number 2 to express to her how hurt and heartbroken I was.  They talked for the better part of an hour.  Then the three of us talked, genuinely talked.  It was a good start.

We talked about boyfriends, and how I scare off her potential boyfriends.  I don’t mean to, I just want to put the fear of God in them.  After all, this is my 16 year-old daughter we are talking about, and I don’t want her to be taken advantage of; I want her to be treated like a lady.  I don’t particularly care for the boy she is now seeing because of a past transgression, but, for my daughter’s sake, I am willing to be open-minded and wipe the slate clean.  People do change.  The Missus is proof of that.

My daughter expressed her sincere desire to stay.  She was angry with me, and lashed out the best way she knew how.  As we talked, it was revealed how much my ex-wife’s meddling had created this situation, as she had encouraged it, despite the fact that my daughter would have to quit her job, say goodbye to her friends and siblings, and start over at a new high school midway through her junior year.  It was also revealed that there were some very important things that my daughter told her mother in one of her venting sessions, information that my ex failed to relay to me.

So,  Number 2 is staying with me.  We talked about her bouts with depression, and that she will have to learn how to manage them.  Not only will she have to learn how to manage them, so will I.  When she goes through these bouts I become frustrated and depressed because I am powerless to help, and when I become depressed, other members of the house become depressed, because they are powerless to help me.  A friend at the office suggested that I seek professional help, that I did a world of good for him when he was having issues with one of his children.  As I know that there will be times in the future that I will have to deal with my daughter’s funks, now is the time for me to learn how to cope with them better, so that I don’t get dragged down myself and drag the rest of the household down with me.  I can’t stop my daughter’s funks from happening, but I least I can learn how to better respond to them.  I know for a fact that the way I have responded hasn’t been working to well.  I get so stressed out that I make myself sick, and I am of no value to anyone if I am sick.