The World According to "Aaarrgh!"

Interesting factoids about living with boys that I received from The Mistress via e-mail many moons ago…..

Did you know–

 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is notstrong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Galveston , TX, has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

A corny joke from The Tulsan.

Two male employees walk into the break room for coffee refills. Bob is carrying a coffee mug with “World’s Best Dad” written on it. Tom is also carrying the same sort of mug, “World’s Best Dad”.

Tom looks angrily at Bob and says, “you callin’ my kid a liar?”

Believe it or not, a “World’s Best Dad” shirt was the basis for an entire, hilarious episode of “Seinfeld”!

I received this one from The Tulsan.

A wise man once said~

‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. 
    
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh**!’  

From The Tulsan.

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman:    Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman:    Hi! I’m Kelly. How’d you die? 

1st woman:    I Froze to Death.

2nd woman:    How Horrible! 

1st woman:    It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman:    I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:    I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:    Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive!

One from Grasshopper via Dinky…..

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?”  says the 6-year old.  ”I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”

The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 -ear old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

 (WHACK) He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room. “You can stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks, “what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“ I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Sent to me from The Tulsan.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, 
under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman. 

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, 
because otherwise they were all going to fall. 

They weren’t able to choose that person;

……..until the woman gave a very touching speech. 

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. 

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping …….. 

The City of Tulsa’s budget is so bad that it is laying off 37 employees, 21 of them police officers.  Since the announcement at 11:30 AM, there have been well over 100 comments made to the Tulsa World website about it.  This is one of the comments I found amusing…..

Another from Dinky.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true!!!

Another I received from The Tulsan.

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet. 

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was ‘something wrong’ with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

‘He’s just lying there looking sick,’ he told me. ‘I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?’

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.  One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.  I immediately knew what to do.

‘Honey,’ I called, ‘come look at the lizard!’

‘Oh, my gosh!’ my wife exclaimed. ‘She’s having babies.’

‘What?’ my son demanded. ‘But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!’  

I was equally outraged.  ’Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,’ I said accusingly to my wife.

‘Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?’ she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

‘No, but you were supposed to get two boys!’ I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

‘Yeah, Bert and Ernie!’ my son agreed.

‘Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know ,’ she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

‘Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,’ I announced. ‘We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..’

‘Oh, gross!’ they shrieked

‘Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?’ my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

‘We don’t appear to be making much progress,’ I noted.

‘It’s breech,’ my wife whispered, horrified.

‘Do something, Dad!’ my son urged.

‘Okay, okay.’ Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

‘Should I call 911?’ my eldest daughter wanted to know.  ‘Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.’  (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Let’s get Ernie to the vet,’ I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

‘Breathe, Ernie, breathe,’ he urged.

‘I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,’ his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

‘What do you think, Doc, a C-section?’ I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,’ he murmured. ‘Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?’

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

‘Is Ernie going to be okay?’ my wife asked.

‘Oh, perfectly,’ the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,like most male species, they um …

um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.’ He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.  ‘So, Ernie’s just . just . . excited,’ my wife offered.

‘Exactly,’ the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.  And then even laugh loudly.

What’s so funny?’ I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. ‘It’s just .that . I’m picturing you pulling on its . .. its. . . teeny little … ‘ She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

‘That’s enough,’ I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.  He was glad everything was going to be okay.

‘I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,’ he told me.

‘Oh, you have NO idea,’ my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140. 

One cage: $50.  

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.  Lizards lay eggs!