The World According to "Aaarrgh!"

When I graduated many moons ago, it was expected that the guests of the graduates wore their Sunday best, as graduation is a once-in-a-lifetime event deserving of once-in-a-lifetime clothes.  Based on my experience, I assumed that everyone at the graduation would look their best.  I wore a suit, and the ex dressed up nice as well.  We were the exception, not the rule.  I was mortified to see people in attendance looking like they just got out of bed or were just walking the streets to find someone to go to bed with.  Just appalling.  And quite disrespectful to the graduates, too.  These kids just finished 13 years of schooling, it’s the most important day of their lives, and you can’t even show them the respect that they earned by dressing up just one day in your pathetic life?  Very very sad.  A sad reflection on society and our general uncoothness and lack of decorum.

As a low level government hack, I have been given the noble task of responding to citizen requests.  (The peon gets assigned the icky duties that nobody else wants….but I actually enjoy it!)  Some of these requests and dialogues are so memorable (and humorous), that I have decided to share them with the readers in a periodic posting called “Why I Love My Job”.  Here, for your enjoyment, is the first installment.  (REMEMBER:  I am not making this up!)
 

You only put speed humps in because you are working for the Communist Chinese to take our cars away and make us buy Chinese bicycles!
 

You won’t put speed humps in because you hate kids.  It will be your fault when a kid gets killed.
 

Can you take down the DEAD END sign by the school?  It sends the wrong message to the children.
 

Can you take down the DEAD END sign by the funeral home?  It’s depressing.
 

Can you take down the DEAD END sign next to the home where the man murdered his wife?  It’s creepy.
 

Can you put up a sign where me and my Hovaround got sucked into a truck?
 

Can you put up a STOP sign at the meth house? 
 

“Can you put up a DEAD END sign on my street?”
“There is one there already.”
“There used to be one, but now it’s gone.”
“No, there is one there.”
“Are you sure?  When’s the last time you’ve been out here?”
“Fifteen minutes ago.”
“And you saw a sign?”
“Yes.”
“What did it say?”
“DEAD END”
 

“I have a speeding problem, and the police won’t do anything about it.”
“Did you call the police?”
“No.  Was I supposed to?”
 

Can you put a crosswalk where the pedestrian tunnel under X St is?  I don’t have any safe place to cross X St

Can you put up a NO LEFT TURN sign?  I am tired of having to wait behind left turners.  They can make a right and then make a U turn.
 

May is health insurance renewal time, and in conjunction with renewal, the city sponsors a “Health Fair” where you can get all sorts of cool stuff and get a free health screening.  For the first time ever, I took advantage of the free health screening.  The results?

Cholesterol?  Good.  Blood sugar? Good.  Blood pressure?  Good.  Body Mass Index?  Good.  And I’ve even lost some weight, to boot! (Going up and down two flights of stairs from the bedrooms to the laundry room does have some benefits!)